What the heck is a causal loop string theory, anyway?  I don’t know exactly, either, but I’m sure I was involved, somehow.  Damned Causal Loop String!

I have a very logical mind and most of the time it serves me.  But sometimes, weird things plague me, like troubleshooting a computer that has somehow simultaneously developed two different problems, making said troubleshooting more difficult.

I am not a geek.  I am truly not good enough to be called one, although I dabble on their very outermost fringe.  I can repair most computers that are given me for such. The hardware being easiest, the software more subtle in its deviousness… yet mostly, I endure.  I recently survived a most devilish encounter with my own computer that I would like to relate here simply for the sake of weirdness.

My computer—a modest AMD 1.8ghz with 2gb ram and a 300gb hard drive—lives in a gigantic desk in the family room which houses three computers with monitors and two printers.  My computer is on the left, the whatever computer in the center and my wife’s on the right.  The problem was that my computer had developed an obnoxious squealing noise that could be heard throughout the house and must be dealt with at once.

Home PCs don’t have a lot of moving parts, so this should be easy … I thought. First choice, the processor fan must be going out, no problem, I have a box full of them in the garage.  I replaced the processor fan—No difference.  Wait, the power supply has a fan as well, that has to be it.  Since I have several computers in waiting, again, no problem.  I grabbed one, pulled the power supply and switched it.  Started right up, it did, squealing its little head—wherever the hell that is—off.

Okay, I thought, let’s get serious, I can beat you, you devilish little prick.  Logic kicked into high gear, I went to the whatever computer and fired it up. No squealing, nothing but computing going on here. Now we’re getting somewhere.

My computer is better than the whatever computer, just noisier.  No problem, just take the processor heat sink, fan and power supply and switch them.  So I did.  Ever hear a pig squeal?  I was astonished.  It was impossible but there was still no difference.  Scratching my head, I proceeded to ponder it all.  I concluded that the only other possibility was the hard drive.  Hard drives spin but are generally pretty quiet.  I shut it down, unplugged the hard drive and restarted—No difference.

Undaunted—well, maybe a little—I retrieved my mighty sword of logic, picked up my shield of justice, mounted my trusty steed of perseverance and galloped full speed back into the fray.  Wielding the mighty sword of logic I thought it through, applying Occam’s Razor, which states: Eliminating all other possibilities, whatever is left, must be the answer.  The case, it must be the computer case itself—it has no moving parts, which makes no sense at all—it has to be the case, causal loop string theory, being what it is.

I took my computer and completely disassembled it, followed by the same for the whatever computer.  I reassembled my computer parts, motherboard, hard drive, DVD drives along with the original power supply and heat sink with fan into the whatever case.  Then, in a very bold move … I put the side cover back on.  Murphy’s law of causal loop string theory states: If you put the side cover on before testing the computer, it will not work.  You will have forgotten something important, Bucko, so don’t even think about it!

Ignoring this primal and basic rule, I plugged her in, turned her on … and nothing.  Not a sound issued forth from under the desk.  Disgusted, I slumped in my chair contemplating the universe and why it was plotting against me, when a very strange and wonderful thing happened.  The monitor roared to life, soundlessly displaying what it should had I turned my computer on.  I watched in awe as it proceeded through its boot cycle with nary a peep, until the welcome to Windows music broke the silence.

I had beaten the causal loop phenomenon using only my wits and knowledge of the important laws of the universe—ignoring that side cover thing, and living to tell the tale.  I fought the good fight and won, so what had I learned?  That the next time a causal loop string bores its way into my life, I’ll be ready—yeah, right.  So, nothing at all, I’m afraid ... I'm so screwed.